Put Your best foot forward
A wise person once said “First impressions last long” and when it comes to meeting new
people especially if they happen to be members of our new family or extended
family by that thing called “love” ,it is important that we deliberately make
sure we create good impressions. This is because according to Andrew Grant, “you
never get a second chance to make a first impression”.
Although
not all first impressions are
necessarily true, it is usually a
herculean task to change wrong first impressions. Just this afternoon, I was
chatting with a friend and she ended the conversation with “dealing with
in-laws is a skill” .
While
almost everybody wants to be married, not everyone wants to deal with in-laws
or the stereotype mother in-law. The latter seems to be the most unloved
compound name word and some people have even been known to pray that they would
not have one by the time they meet their spouses! Well that kind of prayer is
only fair to be answered if they also mean that they would not like to grow and see their own children getting married. Maybe it was
this kind of thought that made one guy I met some years ago start up with a
very terrible story of how he wants to settle now he has buried his mother. I am
not sure if he thought that piece of information would put me at ease or make
him a better cash but my alarm bells started ringing. He went on about how he
had just returned from flying her body all the way from Germany to Enugu to be
buried.Moreover, he claimed to be a medic who worked as a Consultant in Shell
private Clinic in the United Kingdom. See story line. Well I live in the UK and
the only thing I needed was his full name to check his GMC (General Medical
Council) registration. His name or any part of it was nowhere to be found so I gave
him the benefit of doubt and asked what medical school he graduated from. Unfortunately,
he claimed to have graduated from my own medical school and he didn’t know me,
neither could he relate to some very spectacular events I mentioned. Well, I didn’t
waste time; select,scroll&delete. Starting a relationship with lies is not
one of the first impressions I have the grace to overlook, pray for me!
Recently
a friend called me and was very much distraught. The issue was that her younger
brother who happened to be the last child and the only male in the household
had gone ahead and married a lady whom his parents had not approved of. The
lady’s parents and siblings attended the
wedding but none of my friend’s siblings or parents were there. If you ask that
lady tomorrow, she would tell you that it was the guy who said they should go
ahead whether or not his parents approved. While I may not necessarily say that
parental consent is a must for every wedding to proceed , I would strongly urge
that it should be sought for earnestly . If plans are being made for a wedding and parents have not still come
around, it might just be wisdom to hold on a little bit longer because the journey of marriage is far. It is
not usually easy for the in-law parents to forgive you the incoming daughter or
son in law for making them not share in their son/daughter’s joy on a day that cannot be reproduced. They may eventually forgive their
child but the tendency to blame the son
or daughter in-law forever will always be there and sometimes in a bid to ease
their pain, they may begin to accuse their
child in-law of bewitching their own child and that in itself draws a battle line
which could have been avoided.
I have also seen some couples force the hands
of their parents to agree quickly to a
marriage by deciding to become pregnant.
While
this may work for the short term, the long term consequences are far less
desirable. I remember a friend’s sister in- law to be some years ago called up
her prospective mother in- law to be and said “well I just want to inform you,
woman to woman that I am pregnant…..”.Wow some babes have nerves o and of
course, the mother in -law was hurt, it
wasn’t like the parents in-law didn’t
want them to marry but just felt it was not yet time because of the financial
status of their son and the fact that this girl was still an undergraduate. The
funny thing is that tomorrow when the relationship
of the daughter and mother in-law is inevitably strained , the devil will be blamed and unfortunately held responsible.
There
are even some occasions where the decision to marry has been agreed upon and
the issue with the in-laws is the
wedding day details. Understandably, everybody’s’ idea of the big day varies. There
are somethings that do not necessarily have to go our way as the preparations
for the big day comes and honestly, it is usually best to allow everyone to
deal with their own individual families to get to the point where you as the couple have already agreed . In that way, you also save yourself from creating
unnecessary enemies using the “we” stance.
Putting
your best food forward may also involve asking around about the culture and
mannerisms of your new in-laws.Even after the wedding,we still need to keep our eyes and ears open for both spoken
and unspoken rules of behaviour. A close friend of mine was brought up in a
home where they ate their meals without much ado and so when she attended a
family gathering, she ate and sat down thinking it was business as usual. She
was taken aback when she got accosted by
her husband who was shocked at her rude behaviour. According to him, she had not
acted properly as she had not shown appreciation for
the hospitality shown! Apparently, my friend did not know that there was a
custom of verbalizing gratitude after a meal.She quickly corrected herself and
did not allow it happen a second time. I chuckled when she told me as I could
easily relate to the incident. This is because while growing up in my own home , we were brought up to say “God
Bless You” to our parents after eating as
my mum changed the usual “Thank you” to “God
bless you” .These days when I go
visiting my brother and his family and I
am given food, he and his wife also say “God Bless you” to me after we finish eating and that just brings
loving memories and shows acceptance . As
little as that may sound, that is an example of how we can
integrate some family values from our in-laws and make our homes more
welcoming.
The
truth of the matter is that while we are getting married to one person, in
actual fact it is the whole family we are adopting which means we must be humble enough to make
minor adjustments that do not compromise our faith. I needed to add that
clause because crazily enough, in some families, it is a custom that the father
in-law sleeps with his daughter-in law first of all before his son!
So my
dear readers, thanks for staying with this rather long epistle. Living happily
with the person you love will inevitably be affected to some extent by your relationship
with his or her family……..let us talk less,
open our eyes &ears whenever we are around our in-laws, for what we learn will definitely help along
the way and don’t be afraid to ask questions as you strive to put your best
foot forward.
Have a great weekend
Gracillis
If you
liked this article, you may like Other posts by Gracillis
2.Marriage by Motherhood
3.The Perfect Picture
4.Just Friends
5.Mistaken for the other woman
6.Bending Over
7.Just in Case http://dishusbandmata.blogspot.co.uk/2017/04/i-met-up-recently-with-some-friends-who.html
Very true, thanks for sharing
ReplyDeleteVery true, thanks for sharing
ReplyDeleteGood post.Some people want to marry the other person alone like they dropped in from outer space ��
ReplyDeletelove this post Grace!
ReplyDeletewell done ��
Great post as usual, as someone who counsels marriages the role of parental consent / guidance cannot be overemphasized! Its the one last honour you can pay them, and I believe it's very important. Aside from a few isolated cases most of the time parents simply want your best interest. A fellow minister friend of mine travelled from UK to Nigeria to speak with the parents of a girl who had fallen pregnant. Not only did they blame the boy but were pushing for an abortion. Fortunately the story ends well with the grandfather and patriarch of the family recognising my friends commitment and sincerity. A good foundation makes for easier relationship with our inlaws Selah.
ReplyDeleteThanks so much.our parents usually just want the best for us and like you said,it pays to give them honour at such a critical moment
Delete