Put Your best foot forward


 A wise person once said “First impressions last long” and when it comes to meeting new people especially if they happen to be members of our new family or extended family by that thing called “love” ,it is important that we deliberately make sure we create good impressions. This is because according to Andrew Grant, “you never get a second chance to make a first impression”.
Although not all   first impressions are necessarily true, it  is usually a herculean task to change wrong first impressions. Just this afternoon, I was chatting with a friend and she ended the conversation with “dealing with in-laws is a skill” .

While almost everybody wants to be married, not everyone wants to deal with in-laws or the stereotype mother in-law. The latter seems to be the most unloved compound name word and some people have even been known to pray that they would not have one by the time they meet their spouses! Well that kind of prayer is only fair to be answered if they also mean that they  would not like to grow and see their  own children getting married. Maybe it was this kind of thought that made one guy I met some years ago start up with a very terrible story of how he wants to settle now he has buried his mother. I am not sure if he thought that piece of information would put me at ease or make him a better cash but my alarm bells started ringing. He went on about how he had just returned from flying her body all the way from Germany to Enugu to be buried.Moreover, he claimed to be a medic who worked as a Consultant in Shell private Clinic in the United Kingdom. See story line. Well I live in the UK and the only thing I needed was his full name to check his GMC (General Medical Council) registration. His name or any part of it was nowhere to be found so I gave him the benefit of doubt and asked what medical school he graduated from. Unfortunately, he claimed to have graduated from my own medical school and he didn’t know me, neither could he relate to some very spectacular events I mentioned. Well, I didn’t waste time; select,scroll&delete. Starting a relationship with lies is not one of the first impressions I have the grace to overlook, pray for me!

Recently a friend called me and was very much distraught. The issue was that her younger brother who happened to be the last child and the only male in the household had gone ahead and married a lady whom his parents had not approved of. The lady’s  parents and siblings attended the wedding but none of my friend’s siblings or parents were there. If you ask that lady tomorrow, she would tell you that it was the guy who said they should go ahead whether or not his parents approved. While I may not necessarily say that parental consent is a must for every wedding to proceed , I would strongly urge that it should be sought for earnestly . If plans are being made for  a wedding and parents have not still come around, it might just be wisdom to hold on a little bit longer  because the journey of marriage is far. It is not usually easy for the in-law parents to forgive you the incoming daughter or son in law for making them not share in their son/daughter’s joy on a  day that  cannot be  reproduced. They may eventually forgive their child  but the tendency to blame the son or daughter in-law forever will always be there and sometimes in a bid to ease their pain, they  may begin to accuse their child in-law of bewitching their own  child and that in itself draws a battle line which could have  been avoided.


 I have also seen some couples force the hands of their parents to agree  quickly to a marriage by deciding to become pregnant.
While this may work for the short term, the long term consequences are far less desirable. I remember a friend’s sister in- law to be some years ago called up her prospective mother in- law to be and said “well I just want to inform you, woman to woman that I am pregnant…..”.Wow some babes have nerves o and of course, the mother in -law was hurt,  it wasn’t  like the parents in-law didn’t want them to marry but just felt it was not yet time because of the financial status of their son and the fact that this girl was still an undergraduate. The funny thing is  that tomorrow when the relationship of the daughter and mother in-law is inevitably strained , the devil will be  blamed and  unfortunately held responsible.

There are even some occasions where the decision to marry has been agreed upon and the issue with the in-laws  is the wedding day details. Understandably, everybody’s’ idea of the big day varies. There are somethings that do not necessarily have to go our way as the preparations for the big day comes and honestly, it is usually best to allow everyone to deal with their own individual families to get to the point where you as  the couple have already agreed  . In that way, you also save yourself from creating unnecessary enemies using the “we” stance.

Putting your best food forward may also involve asking around about the culture and mannerisms of your new in-laws.Even after the wedding,we still need to  keep our eyes and ears open for both spoken and unspoken rules of behaviour. A close friend of mine was brought up in a home where they ate their meals without much ado and so when she attended a family gathering, she ate and sat down thinking it was business as usual. She was taken aback when she  got accosted by her husband who was shocked at her rude behaviour. According to him, she had not acted properly as she had not shown appreciation for the hospitality shown! Apparently, my friend did not know that there was a custom of verbalizing gratitude after a meal.She quickly corrected herself and did not allow it happen a second time. I chuckled when she told me as I could easily relate to the incident. This is because while growing up  in my own home , we were brought up to say “God Bless You” to our parents  after eating as  my mum changed the usual “Thank you” to “God bless you” .These days  when I go visiting my brother and his family  and I am given food, he and his wife also say “God Bless you” to me  after we finish eating and that just brings loving  memories and shows acceptance . As little as that may sound, that is an example of  how we can  integrate some family values from our in-laws and make our homes more welcoming.

The truth of the matter is that while we are getting married to one person, in actual fact it is the whole family we are adopting  which means we must be humble enough to make minor adjustments that do not compromise our faith. I needed to add that clause because crazily enough, in some families, it is a custom that the father in-law sleeps with his daughter-in law first of all before his son!

So my dear readers, thanks for staying with this rather long epistle. Living happily with the person you love will inevitably  be affected to some extent by your relationship with his or her  family……..let us  talk less, open our eyes &ears whenever we are around our in-laws,  for what we learn will definitely help along the way and don’t be afraid to ask questions as you strive to put your best foot forward.


 Have a great weekend
Gracillis 
If you liked this article, you may like Other posts by Gracillis
2.Marriage by Motherhood
3.The Perfect Picture
4.Just Friends
5.Mistaken for the other woman
6.Bending Over




Comments

  1. Anonymous30 September 2017 at 00:09

    Very true, thanks for sharing

    ReplyDelete
  2. Anonymous30 September 2017 at 00:13

    Very true, thanks for sharing

    ReplyDelete
  3. Anonymous30 September 2017 at 00:14

    Good post.Some people want to marry the other person alone like they dropped in from outer space ��

    ReplyDelete
  4. Anonymous30 September 2017 at 00:16

    love this post Grace!
    well done ��

    ReplyDelete
  5. Unknown30 September 2017 at 02:12

    Great post as usual, as someone who counsels marriages the role of parental consent / guidance cannot be overemphasized! Its the one last honour you can pay them, and I believe it's very important. Aside from a few isolated cases most of the time parents simply want your best interest. A fellow minister friend of mine travelled from UK to Nigeria to speak with the parents of a girl who had fallen pregnant. Not only did they blame the boy but were pushing for an abortion. Fortunately the story ends well with the grandfather and patriarch of the family recognising my friends commitment and sincerity. A good foundation makes for easier relationship with our inlaws Selah.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. flourish30 September 2017 at 02:15

      Thanks so much.our parents usually just want the best for us and like you said,it pays to give them honour at such a critical moment

      Delete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The things I never told my Mother

Growing up for me was blissful. I had a father who would listen,  empower  and reinforce to me the fact that God fearfully and wonderfully created me. Daddy told me daily how I could be anything I wanted to be. You see, my daddy was 30 years older than my mother. He was better educated in “terms of certificates” than her and he was a greatly travelled gentleman. My mother on the flip side, was only a standard six certificate  holder, from  a more humble background but “a very intelligent woman” without the glory of “many paper certificates”.   By virtue of the gap in their background, my mother’s mantra was to beat the discipline physically, by “fire by force” into one’s body. My father would discuss with you and explain very calmly, ensuring that you understood what and why you need to make recommended changes. The two had modus operandi that were the opposite to each other.   I look back and cannot remember the one time my father hit me or ever shouted at me. However, my mo
Read more

Changing my Yes

I had hardly been months in a particular relationship and was not expecting a proposal so quickly as I had my doubts. So I was a bit taken aback when on an outing one evening, just by the car,he put one knee to the ground to ask for my hand in marriage .I was not overly excited or elated and did not give an answer until several days later .Some of my friends were happy for me and said the excitement may come later  but somehow I did not feel excited even after saying yes but  It just seemed that was the next step expected and I was also hoping that now the relationship had taken a serious turn, some of the issues I had would be addressed. The very first time I met this guy (let’s call him Kenneth ),one of the things he said to me was that “ I love truth ”. But I soon discovered that it was actually the opposite. Several times, I heard him say things that were not true and even when I accosted him, there was one excuse or the other. Another issue I experienced was the fact that I
Read more