The Power of a Name

It’s interesting to reflect on the sort of things we have names for these days.  There was a time when everything was black and white; but these days we have a wide range of shades in between. For example, there was a time when a kiss was a kiss. Now we have pecking, necking, single lip kiss, earlobe kiss, and many others that have fought for independence from the simple term ‘kiss’. I recall a girl in my teens who thought she was just being curious with her little sibling.  Her mother was passing by during this curious encounter and the name ‘Child Abuser’ was uttered.  She told me that the phrase haunted her for years.  She just couldn’t believe that such a term could EVER be associated with her.  I think I had the same feeling when I heard the term ‘Emotional Abandonment’.  What! You mean this is actually a thing, and like, people have carried out studies and stuff on what I am feeling in my head? Does this mean I need to see somebody, like go for counselling, or see my GP for some pills or something?  Who came up with this label!?

You need to understand that I don’t want to admit this is happening to me.  I am a strong African woman, living in a first world country, fully educated and very born again! I’ve got the Holy Spirit living in me and I am happily married and blessed with children.  So where does abandonment come in? And if I am a victim, what does that make my husband? Is there a name for that as well…?

Taking a brief walk through my past, it seems this has been an issue for a while.  I was a very lively child. I was always curious and I wanted to be at the centre of everything.  I was my father’s pride and joy.  However – this is my conclusion anyway – I think he must have decided I needed to toughen up in order to face life. Like a mother eagle pushing her eaglets from their cosy nest, my Dad decided to change his attitude towards me.  Now I am talking about an African man so No, I have not had a conversation with him about this.  This my version of what I think happened. Daddy stopped visiting me in boarding school, and even stopped picking me at the end of term. I had to make my way from North to West in order to get home for the holidays.  Initially it was scary and I kept wondering what I had done wrong; but after a year, it was pretty cool.  I even started making fun of those whose parents came to visit every month and would come and pick them up at the end of term.

Years later, we are all grown, and Daddy’s method has worked – I am a strong woman. However, he doesn’t know how to turn it off and get back to being loving daddy.  I tried to help but the tough love armour was firmly fixed.  So, I resolved to accept him as he is and pray that my husband will be all that I need him to be.

Hubby is awesome.  He surprises me in so many ways and I eagerly look forward to many more years with him.  I happily gave up all my many boyfriends and talking partners for this guy so that we could focus on each other.  I have emphasised the fact that I am a strong woman, because I don’t want you to assume that I am unnecessarily needy, but I am human.  At first it seemed like we were both busy so we needed to give each other some space, but then I realised that I was busy because he was busy.  Hubby would be on this computer and I would start a conversation while cutting up some vegetables. “…I’m busy dear, we’ll talk later…” would be the response I get.  I told myself not to start conversations while he is on the computer.  Scene 2 - We are watching football.  I don’t detest it, but I’ll rather watch Strictly, or Ransom.  I’m not trying to have a serious conversation here, just some banter to get to know this dude a little better. “… how can you be talking during football?”.  I actually checked to make sure it was not a Premier League game, but nope; my timing is still off.

I wait for bedtime but he is too tired - except for sex obviously, and if I try to throw in some conversation that matters to me during this scared time, I spoil his mood.  I started to notice that we could go for days without having any conversation.  We had the “Good morning dear”, “What would you like to eat?”, “I’m going out”, “I’m off to bed” …. etc.  However, I can’t tell you many boyhood stories of my husband or the crazy, funny thoughts he had during the day. 

I wasn’t having it! I prayed about it and spoke to a friend and Mentor. Then I decided to speak to my husband.  He hadn’t noticed anything wrong with the way we were living.  Compared to the home he grew up in, our conversation was great!  I tried to explain what I was feeling but I don’t think I did a good job as the conversation ended with “…you’ve spoilt my mood.”  I sit in my home and I miss my male friends.  Guys that were just friends, who treated me like a sister but respected me as an equal. Guys who would get excited about my achievements and celebrate me in their own special way.  And then I feel guilty for missing them cos it feels like an emotional affair.  Did I just create that, or is it also a thing? Lord how do I move from here???

I’m not giving up. I signed a lifetime contract in the presence of God and many witnesses and I fully intend to honour that contract.  I guess this is all part of the ‘becoming One’ process.  To be fair, hubby has had a lot on his mind over the last few months and if I am as strong as I say I am, I better act like it.  I still need to laugh over nothing sometimes though, or act like a child without being told off……

This too shall come to pass; and the next time I see or hear that phrase again, I pray I’ll be able to smile and think of it as another conquered enemy in my past.

Have a Great Weekend

Susannah