Little Whispers 2 ( still single )

Most of us love to attend weddings , the excitement and joy  in the air is contagious and may sometimes culminate in tears.The thought of getting married is a dream in the hearts of almost every lady and sometimes when this desire is not met ,it can be quite difficult to come in terms with. Worse still is the expectation of society for this to happen thus mounting untold pressure leading to some marriages which should never have been contracted and that in itself is trouble.
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Several years ago, when my best friend wasn’t married, she had a friend (whom we will call Remi for anonymity) who was still waiting to have a child after 8 years of marriage.With every passing year, Remi was becoming more distressed but the fullness of the gravity of her situation dawned on my friend during a conversation while she was recounting to Remi  about how overwhelming  it was coping with the pressure at home to get married. She was shocked when Remi told her , “it is better to be unmarried than to be looking for a child, you don’t know how it is to walk into a room and feel the eyes of everyone on your stomach, literally before people look at my face to actually say hello, they are looking at my stomach just to see if there is something going on there”



I felt very pained when she told me  as I could readily empathize with Remi knowing the feeling also when I sometimes walk into an environment and see that people are actually watching my fingers to see if there is a piece of jewellery  there .Hmmm, yes no matter how discreetly it is sometimes done.  I remember wearing a fashionable piece of  ring and wrist jewellery (a present ) on one occasion and got surprised at the attention it generated. Someone I highly respected came all the way from her seat  to check if it was the “one” expected. She actually lifted up my left hand ! She was sadly disappointed  and unfortunately did not have the courtesy  to hide her body language. I had a laugh to clear up the air and  overtime, I have learned to accept that it is one of those things that people can’t help but express. It is an expectation that society , especially Africans have  and if we are truthful , we sometimes are disappointed that there is no set of rings with a stone to flash !


 It is this very expectation that sometimes start out as little whispers with undertones  that change as the years go  by. As a lady approaches her thirties, several people begin to become concerned about her marital status and as a way of encouragement (for choice of a better word), they offer one of those clichés   when they meet her at weddings:“yours will be the next”, “ this is your year”, and this one if you are from Nigeria “we will come and eat your rice too ”.


But when the clock ticks a long way from one’s thirtieth birthday, these little whispers  begin to leave the terms of congeniality with the general message being “there must be something wrong”.


While most people will be discreet enough not to say so directly  to you, don’t be alarmed at the sudden interest in  taking  a family/social history from you, with the bottom line of discovering   any curse you may be under. Extending a hand of graciousness by answering some(you don’t have to answer everything) of their questions as politely as we can may help to keep the blood pressure down, after all  not everyone can cope with their disappointment that you are still not married and as such , would rather have a reason that makes their ache more bearable . 


 There will however be some other whispers from folks who have a wrong ideology of who is qualified for the blessing  of a marriage. According to their theory,  “Marriage is the reward of a good lifestyle” and the opposite is applicable. Sometimes this  particular  whisper is wrapped in religious language. I actually heard someone say  recently  “if you serve God very well in your youth, he will give you a good marriage”. Well as good as that sounds, it is not entirely true.


 Set in their ways,these people   have actually concluded that it is not a “curse”  you are under  but rather, your being single is the  harvest of a bad lifestyle in the past. Their thoughts and condescending look of    “every good girl your age is settled” is painful. I have also   lived single enough to recognize  and encounter them. Unfortunately, they are the  very first to believe and reiterate every rumour concerning you and I would advise you do not bother with trying to put any records straight with them as their  faulty perspective is  a result of their experience /exposure or perhaps the experience of everyone they know and there is almost nothing you can do to change that  and attempting to do so is a waste of time. To be honest what people  think of us  is certainly  none of  our business..




 The third whisper is from the group of folks  whose generosity of heart have made them conclude  that your   single status is because  the  standards you have set  are too high and begin to request that you revisit some of your “NO” decisions so that you can settle down(remember you are not dust).




 Although these little whispers come from people, I believe the most dangerous are the ones we  repeat to ourselves,, with the biggest culprit being  that something is wrong.


And there may be several reasons to begin to think so . Yesterday, you were grieving with a friend who became widowed and it is almost 5 years down the line, she is getting remarried. Sometime ago, you recall helping a friend as she went through the arduous  ordeal of a nasty divorce and it is barely two years after,she is now getting remarried with you being the chief bridesmaid but still single. Or how do you explain that now , some of your friends who you celebrated their weddings and did all the running around for are now celebrating their 18^th wedding anniversary!


I could go on and on but want you to remember as these moments of joy come up for other people, the temptation to begin to believe the lie that something is definitely wrong becomes stronger   and the tendency to do something  about the “status” may rob us of the joy of enjoying the present moment .


 Since we are celebrating the royal wedding tomorrow, I will tell you what I usually tell myself which may be true for you also(and for most single people you may know ). “There is nothing wrong”. It is just life and if we look closely enough, we will see other reasons to be grateful for rather than being hung up in the myth of “I will be happy or happier when I get there”.You do not have to listen to these whispers or allow them cause you to make hasty decisions.


Rather than allowing our happiness or self worth to be tied to a marital status, let us become the kind of people whose attitude to  life  makes our status  enviable because it is not tied to external determinants. It is a choice only you can make.




Straight from my heart,


Gracillis


 Ps:I know it is one whisper most  single people never want to hear but what if you never get married at the end of this life. Would you have succeeded in denying yourself of the joy of truly living  by keeping your life on a hold.?One of the best piece of advice I got from a mentor twelve years ago was “do all what you want to do, regardless of your status” and we would talk about that soon. Watch out for Little Whispers 3 .