Marriage by Motherhood

“Not all marriages begin with “Will you marry me ?”.

Some of them begin with “I don carry belle”

(“I don carry belle” means I have an unplanned pregnancy )-Facebook Post by Godwin Tom-Lawyer

Sometime ago, my elder brother put up the above  post on Facebook (seriously almost all his posts are interesting and when I read it ,it initially brought laughter. However after the laughter, I thought about all the people that I have seen in the latter predicament who sadly had taken that path to save face immediately  but actually had found themselves in terrible conditions later on in the long run.

While we were growing up, an unwanted pregnancy was almost every mother’s nightmare and mothers generally   did all to ensure that their daughters did not end their secondary education prematurely by becoming pregnant. However after  the secondary school and perhaps university education, the guards of most of our mothers  dropped believing that their girls were now wise enough.However it appears that this fear suddenly progresses to a determination in ensuring that any pregnant daughter became married by all means, especially when they were supposed to have known better .

Several excuses are allocated to this decision and sometimes it is in a bid either not to have a child born out of wedlock, that many families insist that marriage is the next step after an unwanted pregnancy.

 It is not only the girls that are dragged into this, sometimes our male counterparts are forced or sometimes bribed to contract a marriage based on pregnancy and though I may not have lived on this planet earth for long, I can tell you that not many of these marriages have been successful.
Somewhere down the line, the marriages have broken and even when they appear to be holding together for the sake of the child, it is not too long before both partners start suffering from heartaches of regrets and painfully sometimes some mothers  actually tell their children," I would not have married your father but I just wanted all my children to come from one man” . This inadvertently  puts the blame of such bad decisions on a child making them feel guilty for the unhappiness in the home. Later on , they begin to resent one or both parents and as such the very children who are used  for an excuse for the marriage  are not spared from the heartache of such wrong decisions.

It is sad to hear a young man say he was trapped into marriage by a pregnancy and sometimes it may be difficult for him to rope himself out because of the position of wealth promised by his parents or the threat of being disowned if he did not marry the particular girl .Sometimes though it is not that some parents are really concerned about the pregnancy, rather it is because they are trying to uphold a certain status in society, especially in religious circles. This in itself is selfish .

A close friend of mine told me of one of her male friends who went on with such a marriage so as to please his parents. He was coerced to marry the girl who got pregnant for him and was given a car and a house by his parents. Of course, initially the girl was happy and they went on later to have another two children. When this lady died, her husband confessed to my friend that he purposely made her life miserable. Apart from womanizing and being engaged in extra marital affairs, he  never ever gave his wife any money to get anything for herself. She was not working and it was so bad that even when she needed sanitary towels she would have to call his parents for the money . Now what kind of a life was that , all in the name of marrying the father of the child .

I know of another friend whose relationship was already shaky but after impregnating the lady he was dating, it was decided that the marriage be quickly contracted. They got married and she carried the pregnancy to full term but on the day of her delivery, she unfortunately had a still birth. The marriage never remained the same again after all ,the centrepiece had been broken. Although they still lived in the house together for sometime, things degenerated and they eventually had to go their own separate ways.

I also know of someone who was perhaps smarter .The lady insisted on carrying the pregnancy and on marriage but the guy and his family insisted that the marriage would be contracted  only after the baby was born and your guess is as good as mine, she later lost the pregnancy and as such no marriage was contracted.

As far as I remember during the marriage vows recitation, I am yet to hear “..what pregnancy has joined together”, rather it is “..what God has joined together…”.I always say to people, it is one mistake to have engaged in sex before marriage but do not try to cover it up or save face by marrying someone just because you are now pregnant. There is no need for a further mistake and if a guy clearly says he does not want marriage with you, then please hold your head very high and leave. He obviously does not know your value. When a man knows your value, he would go any extent. He would be thrilled you are even carrying his baby but by the time he is angry at the pregnancy and looking for any reason to beat you with such vengeance  which could almost cause a miscarriage, then it is time to say” I AM A CELEBRITY, I am getting  out of here”.

I know another very very painful story of someone who also got impreganated and the guy eloped, She faced life on her own with the child  but several years down the line, she met someone else and was about to marry . Everyone was happy for her but suddenly this former guy turned up and then she took a detour and returned to him as he insisted he loved her. Everyone tried to talk her out of it but there was no going back She broke her then relationship and returned back to the loser who first eloped away. Not too long she became pregnant and then quickly contracted a marriage. It is several years down the line but I hate to tell you the stark reality is I have hardly met anyone who has said she is happy.

So my dearest readers, on this Good Friday, I just beg that it may be a time to allow some relationships die. Yes, you got pregnant but you are not the first and certainly will not be the last. As your pregnancy begins to show, you will discover the power of eyes talking more than words as people look at you. Not to worry, you have made a right decision not to abort your baby so please keep your head high up. Do not add another mistake to one already. A child has never been known to make a man start loving a woman and I would rather a man find any and every excuse to be with you than to have to be  forced to be with you .

 If a man wants to marry you, let it be because he loves you and not because you are pregnant. Or because you have to keep up to the reputation of your parents, sometimes their status in some social circles may demand that their children are not to have children outside wedlock but I tell you, they have lived their lives, made their own decisions and mistakes .Let them allow you make yours and take responsibility. If your assessment of a relationship is bad, then there is no need of letting pregnancy be the reason to go further.The journey of marriage is far, even those madly in love still have their challenges and as such there is no need starting on a wrong footing just because you are pregnant.

You are bigger and better than this, many great children have been raised by single moms and from the much I have seen , most of these single moms eventually get married to men that really love them .

It is with all the love from my desk that I write and I am always willing to talk to you if you need a listening ear.

Happy Good Friday.

Gracillis.

DISCLAIMER :I have cited a lot of examples in this post and I would like to reiterate that what they have done is not the standard .Our standard here @dishusbandmata is NO MARRIAGE, NO SEX”. “