Changing my Yes

I had hardly been months in a particular relationship and was not expecting a proposal so quickly as I had my doubts. So I was a bit taken aback when on an outing one evening, just by the car,he put one knee to the ground to ask for my hand in marriage .I was not overly excited or elated and did not give an answer until several days later .Some of my friends were happy for me and said the excitement may come later  but somehow I did not feel excited even after saying yes but  It just seemed that was the next step expected and I was also hoping that now the relationship had taken a serious turn, some of the issues I had would be addressed.

The very first time I met this guy (let’s call him Kenneth ),one of the things he said to me was that “I love truth ”. But I soon discovered that it was actually the opposite. Several times, I heard him say things that were not true and even when I accosted him, there was one excuse or the other. Another issue I experienced was the fact that I was almost on a regular basis being compared to his sister. She was the perfect example of the Proverbs 31 woman. You know that woman in the Bible that most women secretly hate and are jealous of .Thirdly ,which for me was a bad sign I recognized later is  the fact that it was almost like I was not allowed to have an opinion, especially different from his. Just questioning sometimes why something was being done in a way would bring the answer “I am the head of the relationship “. He quickly usually followed this with “I love you”up to the point when those three words never had any meaning for me as the actions were usually opposite.

Kenneth would go lengths for people and bend over but when it came to me, it was like I almost had to be of good behaviour to deserve some kind form of treatment. I mean something as simple as helping with carrying water Gerri cans (not all taps bring water! )  out of the car was a no no.I  also noticed that I seemed to rather be a “trophy” with him always wanting to make sure that whenever we visited any circle of his friends and relatives, he made introductions” meet my fiancée , a doctor”. Why don’t you just let them know me for who I am , I argued and if they eventually find out what I do , then fine . But my argument as usual fell on deaf years and somehow, we were still moving on with the plans for the future. But there were some incidences that made me eventually decide that it would be foolishness to carry on.

I remember on one fateful day he came visiting and left and our conversation  on the phone  later got  to working as a mum. Well I told him I would prefer to quickly run through a residency programme and be done as I would like to be at home when the kids are young. Nothing ever prepared me for the explosive outburst of anger with the words best paraphrased below:

Why will you not work. I cannot marry any woman that will not work. If I go to work and come back to the house and see you staying at home looking after the children I will be very angry. What children, we must both go out and suffer and work. Which children will you be taking care of, are there not nannies &househelps around. Even if I am earning one hundred thousand dollars, my wife must work. My mother was working and feeding the family while my father was doing capital project.

It was a revelation. I am not in any way lazy but those words for me confirmed many things I had been suspecting. There were some other incidents that space will not allow me recount. I won’t claim not to have had my own faults but I eventually had to tell myself the gospel truth. A relationship is supposed to bring some form of happiness and allow me to still be myself without constantly being compared to someone else or compelled into silence and compliance through anger  in the name of submission and being the head and eventually, I had to take the painful decision to end it all, never minding that I was ruining the chance of getting married on a Saturday that was my birthday and several years down the line, I am glad I did .

Did he take my “I no do again “kindly, not at all. In short he called when he got home that day (using my full name) and said it was good while it lasted but he was glad it was over now as he has been wondering whether I could even carry a pregnancy and give birth to children as I was always saying I was tired. Mind the words you use to end a relationship.

Hmmm, well it is just a matter of time readers. Someday you will be joining to celebrate the birth of my own children but in the meantime I write to say do not ignore the warning signs. It is not possible that you are going to see eye to eye on every subject but there should be a place of respect where you are free to express your own opinions and if you eventually discover that your basic values are not the same, there might be a need for a strong reconsideration as a house with two visions is one of the first steps to disaster.

I also know of someone whose fiance was a terror. In short with marriage plans made he discovered that the lady fought with her own father physically on occasions but he felt he had gone too far and invited dignitaries. He went ahead and married her and was in a hell of an abusive marriage with a wife who did not mind slapping  him at random. It eventually ended up in divorce and luckily he is married to a good woman now but he may have saved himself the heartache .

I am quite big on commitment and found it really difficult to go back on a yes but I have had to do it at one point and without regrets.  No matter how far you travel in the wrong direction, you will never get to your destination.

Have a lovely weekend

Gracillis