Lost Love


It wasn’t love at first sight or anything. We were just in the same fellowship in college. In our final year we both became executives in the fellowship and you were the president.
We got close in the course of working together as a team but even closer when we both had to resit a course each after our final exams.

I remember those innocent years when the innocence of youth was undefiled. Our friendship was deep, we had so much in common. Unconsciously I feel in love with you. I spent a lot of time thinking about you it was until we left for home after the resit that I realized I had fallen in love with you. It was such a delicious feeling. I practically was floating on air with the way I was feeling.

Then you proposed to me, I saw it coming, we have gotten so close that even when we are apart for weeks but the time we see it was like we saw each other yesterday. I was so happy, it was on a easter Sunday you visited me and we went out and you said you have fallen deeply in love with me and couldn’t imagine not spending the rest of your life with me. Such heavenly music to my ears. I said YES immediately, there was nothing to pray or think about. I had done all my thinking and praying. 

The courtship started, our hearts were so pure and entwined we hid nothing away from each other. You were my soul mate, my first love. I thanked God every day for you, I prayed for you more than I prayed for me.  Every member of my family met you and they liked your accent.
You were cool, gently and caring. Above all you loved God with a passion. I was intoxicated with your love. You showed me what it felt to be loved completely not for any reason but for being me. And for two years we waxed stronger. We made plans for the future. We talked about everything, our dreams, our vision and you made sure you shared a word with me anytime you visited and I saw you fulfilling your role as a priest in our future home and I thought I was the luckiest girl that ever lived.

Then we started arguing about the future, before now we hardly disagreed you had this sweet way of making me see things your own way and I just happily went along. You wanted to go into a profession that I thought it was a sheer waste of talent on your end, it had started as hobby but you fell in love with it along the way. In our part of the world people in that profession are usually unschooled not a profession for a college graduates. I thought the more I argued the better you see things my way. you didn’t see yourself doing any other things and this exasperated me to no end. I felt you were sentencing yourself to life imprisonment with poverty. It didn’t diminish my love for you in anyway. I thought it was a phase you will outgrow when the time comes for us to prepare for our wedding and you see the reality of the responsibility of being a husband and father because people in this professional were low income earners. I began to notice that your enthusiasm about us began to drop but I thought you just pissed that you couldn’t sway me this time.

I had a commitment in another part of the country so we had some thousand of miles between us we didn’t see each other for six month and I said in another five months I will be done and we will thrash this out face to face. Until the day you dropped the bombshell, I didn’t see that one coming at all, I wasn’t prepared for the tsunami. You said a man profession is the pivot of his life and you don’t see the reason we should continue if we are not in one accord over what is going to be the financial pivot of our home. Immediately I said you can be whatever you want to be, I support with my whole heart but your mind was made up. I couldn’t change your mind. I didn’t believe it, I was in denial for one year. I couldn’t believe you will just throw away something so beautiful, so perfect with this flimsy excuse and I waited for you to come back but alas you never looked back. After one year I accepted it was finally over and I stopped praying about reconciliation. I couldn’t help comparing every man that came my way with you none matched you not even up to 50%.it was bad. I knew you had moved on. 
 
Some five or so years later you asked for my forgiveness for breaking my heart.

Some six years or so later, you told me the real reason you broke my heart, it wasn’t because I wasn’t in support of your chosen career. It was because of what I confided in you about my family- a step my mother took to protect my brother from what she though could lead to his untimely death which I wasn’t aware of when it happened I stumbled on that information by chance, my family didn’t tell me knowing I am a Christian and won’t support such a thing and that action she took scared you and you thought my family dine with the devil and you sought counsel, your counsellor told you if you marry me, my mother will be seeking help from other sources outside  God, God help us if we experience delay in childbearing we might go to seek a child from anywhere. It scared the hell of you because your dad is a pastor and it was so strange to you, you wouldn’t want to touch it with a ten foot pole. I told you, my mum wasn’t a Christian and she had acted based on her convictions, you didn’t know me because if you did you will realize I loved God the same way you do and won’t involve with anything outside God even if my life depends on it and this is the gospel truth but it was already late. We are both married to other people.  You claimed it was a difficult decision for you to make that time.

I haven’t seen you in almost 19 years but we have spoken on the phone about a dozen times over the period. What I felt with you I was never able to replicate it. I do wonder if it is the same with you. I missed you and mourned losing your love for years until time dulled the pain and gradually my heart returned to its original default setting.

Every now and then I wonder what would have be. 


Jacintha

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