The Big School



There’s too much drama with the in-laws (at least in my head).  It needs to stop.  I have realised that I tend to bitch a lot about two groups of people; the people I love the most (hubby, siblings, parents, old school friends who have turned siblings - even if they don’t know this) and the people whose love and acceptance I crave (in laws, would be friends).  For category 1; I am not sure why but I expect them to fit into a mould created by me perfectly and I mean PERFECTLY.  For category 2; I expect them to love me and accept me unconditionally notwithstanding any failings or differences.  They should think I am perfect or I begin to feel bad.  Failure to do and be all I want results in me bitching so horrendously that any listener would think of them badly.  Don’t get me started about my imperfections, I know I have them just remind me that everyone else is allowed them too.  What?!!  Like that’s news to me….


So what do you expect?  Coming from the African background, you know a mamas going to be looking at everything and critiquing.  Hard enough when it’s yours and even more painful if another’s.  When you did not pay my fees ……….  Marriage is the school where you learn to shape up or ship out.  You will continue to carry over until you pass.  Pick and choose your battles and with time adjust.  I think that when you get to the point of acceptance and affection, the people don’t really change but the relationship gets easier.  ‘I know that grandma will complain it I don’t do A, B C, D….’; ‘That my daughter in law (who cannot even speak the language ni tori Olorun) does not know to do E, F, G H…’ kind of continues but without bitterness and anger hopefully.  You know what you have to do and what you can get away with not doing to keep things moving.

Distance makes the heart grow fonder.  The further you live the less drama.  Maybe it is because the sheer burden of being married and being maybe a mum and doing so much for everyone whilst doing so much less for yourself compared to before makes one less open to criticism.   Make room.  Enjoy the benefit and allow your children to enjoy the benefit of having grandma close - as and when you can because the time is coming when all you have will be pictures and the memories.  Don’t waste each other’s lives sweating the small stuff; grin and bear it sometimes.  Go the extra mile.  Compromise.

  • Cook 3 square meals all the time; not everybody likes cereal for breakfast.  Fry the eggs.
  • Reduce your make up and stop chewing gum.
  • Lock up any cupboards you don’t want her to rummage in (keeping an innocent face J ‘like I did not know you’ve been looking but now you know I am not actually bleaching, just toning…)
  • Don’t complain to your hubby unless you absolutely have to. 
  • Don’t complain to anybody if you don’t have to.
  • Engage in positive team building activities like prayer and bible studies, at home.  Allow the spirit of God to calm everybody down and lead the way.  All mothers love to pray, at that age, they know what it means to live by faith.
  • You might be having it easier than them.  Sometimes, they look at you and think, if you had married his fada …..
  • Take extra care to be respectful, loving and obedient to her son whilst she is there (it’s just easier).
  • If your husband is alright, she can’t be that bad.
  • Remember she is allowed to have her issues as you are allowed yours.  Free her!


Don’t expect any support from your hubby.  Seriously!  What! His mum!  If you have a son you already understand.  Sometimes, husbands don’t make it easier.  When you show your wife you prefer your mum rather than showing love to both.  You know that wife can come and go but mama will remain the same - she?  Some husbands are OK.  Some get better with time.  Some will put mama and her family first to the detriment of his new family.  Then one day you realise your priorities did not change when they should have and you pay the price when the time is right.  All your siblings and their families have moved on pitying you with your own family in tatters.  You poured your life into them so they took your investment plus their investment to get to their destination whilst your family is still marking time.

Marriage teaches you that the best love of all is God’s love.  That being secure in Him keeps you centred and able to cope with the idiosyncrasies of His creation.  He can keep you loving through it all.  Marriage teaches you that you have to love and let go so people can be themselves, make their own mistakes.  In marriage you see that people might not change but you can still walk in love.  Marriage teaches who you really are, makes you appreciate the husband who loves you in spite of your issues, even though you;

  • Complain a lot!
  • Let rip into him that morning cos something else was making you upset.
  • Let yourself go and now you are fat and that’s not what he had in mind (don’t mind him, his mother is fat but he doesn’t know that one!!)
  • Can’t stop watching reality TV, won’t let him watch football.
  • Need to be more respectful.
  • Need to call his mother more

He allows you to do you! – to a very large extent.

The average African mama scolds, complains and moves on.  Don’t keep it in your head or heart (trust me they have moved on most of the time) otherwise it will bring you down.  Take note of what you need to and keep moving.  Once she feels the love she will let her guard down.

There is no perfect man or woman.  HIS love is enough.

Can’t believe I used to feel irritated when people say marriage is an institution or a school.  It is! And usually your mother in law is the head teacher.


Have a great Bank Holiday Weekend.

Zippy

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The things I never told my Mother

Growing up for me was blissful. I had a father who would listen,  empower  and reinforce to me the fact that God fearfully and wonderfully created me. Daddy told me daily how I could be anything I wanted to be. You see, my daddy was 30 years older than my mother. He was better educated in “terms of certificates” than her and he was a greatly travelled gentleman. My mother on the flip side, was only a standard six certificate  holder, from  a more humble background but “a very intelligent woman” without the glory of “many paper certificates”.   By virtue of the gap in their background, my mother’s mantra was to beat the discipline physically, by “fire by force” into one’s body. My father would discuss with you and explain very calmly, ensuring that you understood what and why you need to make recommended changes. The two had modus operandi that were the opposite to each other.   I look back and cannot remember the one time my father hit me or ever shouted at me. However, my mo
Read more

Changing my Yes

I had hardly been months in a particular relationship and was not expecting a proposal so quickly as I had my doubts. So I was a bit taken aback when on an outing one evening, just by the car,he put one knee to the ground to ask for my hand in marriage .I was not overly excited or elated and did not give an answer until several days later .Some of my friends were happy for me and said the excitement may come later  but somehow I did not feel excited even after saying yes but  It just seemed that was the next step expected and I was also hoping that now the relationship had taken a serious turn, some of the issues I had would be addressed. The very first time I met this guy (let’s call him Kenneth ),one of the things he said to me was that “ I love truth ”. But I soon discovered that it was actually the opposite. Several times, I heard him say things that were not true and even when I accosted him, there was one excuse or the other. Another issue I experienced was the fact that I
Read more

Put Your best foot forward

 A wise person once said “ First impressions last long ” and when it comes to meeting new people especially if they happen to be members of our new family or extended family by that thing called “love” ,it is important that we deliberately make sure we create good impressions. This is because according to Andrew Grant, “you never get a second chance to make a first impression”. Although not all   first impressions are necessarily true, it  is usually a herculean task to change wrong first impressions. Just this afternoon, I was chatting with a friend and she ended the conversation with “dealing with in-laws is a skill” . While almost everybody wants to be married, not everyone wants to deal with in-laws or the stereotype mother in-law. The latter seems to be the most unloved compound name word and some people have even been known to pray that they would not have one by the time they meet their spouses! Well that kind of prayer is only fair to be answered if they also mean that
Read more