"used to be"

Being in love is one of the greatest things that can happen to anyone and it can either bring out the best or the worst in us. Well we do not usually see the latter unless sometimes the whole love thing goes the wrong way. And there are several reasons why love could go the wrong way and all the declarations of love turn sour.

Recently I was in a train and went to use the rest room  and while I tried to use the flush, there was this automated voice that encouraged people not to throw things  down into the closet . There was this list of several things being read until finally the voice asked that we should not flush down our ex’es sweater. For real, I had a laugh . Why would one do that ?

Then I remembered something that sort of happened to some girls in my university those days when I was an undergraduate. Someone  could decide to shame a fellow student  by paying another person to publicly pour a bucket of excreta on the person  in public. There were several rumours to why this could be done but the major suspect was the fact that the girl was probably an ex and the best way to disgrace her was to pay someone to go and pour a bucket of excreta aka “shit “ on her.

 I would leave you to imagine the shock and shame of having faeces poured on one for whatever reason . That is the length some people went those days and these days, the availability of guns have raised the bar to almost murder that for fear of their lives, some people would rather  remain in toxic relationships.

Although not everyone would go that physical, some people would cause more harm by the words they use. Words that paint the ex so black that you actually wonder why and how they were ever in a relationship with the person. My respect for a colleague grew when recently we were talking about his break up from his girlfriend. I was trying to see if the situation could be salvaged and asked questions, I noticed how he cautiously answered questions not wanting to disclose some information. I was impressed at his show of respect for her and wondered how different things would be if we all treated ex-es like that .

But usually the case is different and being an ex itself is an unpleasant status most times, making us  typically avoid the Ex as far as possible , from ex-girl(boy)friend to ex-wife(husband), as long as there has been some emotional involvement , getting involved could be really slippery and dangerous grounds. It is also shocking sometimes to see the ex-es get back together while you suddenly then become the ex.

Well while thinking of what to write, I remembered an incident when I was confronted by a supposed -ex of a guy. Note that I said supposedly.

Let us call this guy Dele. I met Dele around my neighbourhood and from what he told me that day, it appeared like he was initially working in Port Harcourt (an oil rich city ) before relocating. He obviously made a  good living there. He went on boasting to me about his numerous escapades by c;laiming that he really enjoyed his life. I do not deny that he was tall, dark and handsome but I was the least impressed by his stories. If a guy’s boast of the life he enjoyed was that of the number of ladies he was  able to get to bed  with, he  was not worth my time. I am not saying people are not allowed to have a past  but to seemingly boast of a past one should be ashamed of is unbecoming. Well he asked me some questions and found out somethings about me. What he didn’t tell me , I found out in the most unusual circumstances the next day.

So usually in my family home,it is our custom to be called for family prayer in the morning in the living room. This was done before any one was allowed to go out. So while we were at our early morning prayer the next morning  as a family, there was a knock at the door.It was about 6am It was  strange and after permission from my mother, I went  to see the person at the door and was surprised to be met by a lady. She requested to see me but my mum had quickly intervened and asked that she come in and wait in the dining area while we finished our prayers.

This lady eventually had her chance to speak and stated that she came to beg me to please leave her home. That ever since her fiancé/boyfriend came home the previous night,he had been talking about one  Dr Grace he met. Obviously this made her feel insecure. She was a live-in girlfriend who was obviously hoping that things would hit the altar.

I was shocked but did not even have to tell her anything. My mother put her fears to rest  and advised her that she was mistaken .and had no need to come and plead with me not to break her home. She thanked my mother and left.

It was later my mother told me that the reason why she asked her to come into the house and have the door locked was so as to prevent her from doing anything dangerous like pouring acid on me and running away !I was amazed that my mum could think so but knows what the woman had seen in her own days.

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Not everyone treats a break up with the maturity that it deserves, some also would fail to acknowledge that there was some hurt in the break up, that the said dream did not materialize is okay for us to grieve but not to grieve so much that we refuse to move  on. Some others are emotionally blocked because they cannot forgive the fact that they were made ex-es and the poison of the hate colours every other relationship they unsuccessfully try to get involved with.

I also think equally worse is when we refuse to accept responsibility sometimes. I know the line of if it was meant to be but for goodness sake, if it was not meant to be I sure do not want to be wasting my time and emotions there .

 One of the earlier posts someone wrote on the foolishness of keeping business as usual with an ex till she heard he was seeing someone ese and she was hurt. By all means ,it may be necessary to still talk to an ex because of a child(ren) but attempting to act like nothing has changed would only cause delayed wound healing neither am I advocating burning bridges.

It is maturity to be civil to them and if you find yourself talking rudely to an ex or trying to bad mouth them in front of the children, then there is a need for soul searching in order to find the root of such  harmful behaviour .Sometimes the emphatic ear of a friend listening to your heart ache can help divert some destructive behaviours and frutrations we may be experiencing from an ex.

But let us also remember that it is also not everyone who can appreciate our heart break story as I know some people who fell in love for the first time and eventually married that person, no stories that touches the heart.

Most importantly perhaps the way we see and define ourselves would be reflected on how we treat ex-es. If our definition of self is not complete without a relationship, seeing an ex in a new relationship while you are not may bring unnecessary pain and sometimes may become the incentive of getting into another crazy relationship .Well even our hearts need a break to avoid a heartbreak and having listened to some people, I sometimes want to prescribe a relationship fast for them !

The heart, for loving

Gracillis