Did I say that ?


 We called it a social gathering/nite . It held at least once a term. All the students usually participated on a Saturday night. There was dance, drama, quiz, debates and games. It was our own way of getting together. Every class came Sometimes people were put on the spot. 

 On one of those days of our social nights out when I was still in a very junior class,  still in my boarding school, a female  senior student was brought out and one of my female  classmates (was also brought out) and then the MC asked my classmate to say something about the senior. I am not too sure she thought about what to say before blurting out “you are short”. 

 It is almost two decades later and I can still remember that statement. I recall  telling someone more than a decade ago that her hair looked horrible .I cannot even believe I said something like that but I did  and we all most likely have several variations where we have played the part.
 In the first case ,although  it was true the senior was short, reminding her about something she absolutely had no control over in front of everyone was cruel. It must have hurt her self-esteem and as for my telling that girl that her hair was horrible, that  was just a no no. In short, I didn’t realize how bad It was till she started crying minutes later. The ground didn’t open, luckily in spite of my wishes.

From time to time, we will make blunders with our words. Say things we shouldn’t have or perhaps things we should have put in a better way .This ends up hurting the people that we really care about and could really make us feel bad. But what do we do when we discover we have goofed , I mean really goofed.
As for me , I have learnt that the best way to go ahead is to admit firstly I have spoken unwisely and then to apologise as soon as possible. No need rationalizing or trying to give reasons why I said what I said .

I have heard some ladies complain about how their partners never apologize, rather they will prefer to buy gifts to make up. From the conversations I have heard, it seems most ladies would prefer a simple apology rather than a trip to Dubai but we sometimes like to do it the costly way because  of ego issues thinking that we will loose face by saying sorry . On the contrariwise, we do not. People  are more inclined to respect that individual who returns after  doing or saying hurtful things and say one of the three necessary words in the human language I am sorry. The ability to do so is a gift we must  all learn to exercise well.

Being able to say we are in the wrong also  helps others to identify with us also and this level of vulnerability usually deepens our relationships and I am not just talking about apologizing to our spouses or bosses. I  want us to include apologizing to our children, our employees, the househelps and the gateman , those who generally look up to us and to people whom it may look like we are better than  , when we have spoken wrongly  to them. Strangely enough, it seems apologizing  to strangers is easier  to do and our courtesies are of the best behaviour outside our homes!

However it  is actually a mark of integrity and a strong sense of character  to apologize or have the readiness to do so  irrespective of the environment/circumstance  and if you are in a relationship with someone and cannot remember the last time you apologized or heard an apology, it may be an indicator that something may be wrong. Note I said “may”.

But saying sorry should not just be a tick box exercise as people can tell when we are really genuine , neither should we act like saying sorry means our mates /partners do not have the right for the matter in hand  to be discussed or revisited. I mean sorry should not be used  as a reason to sweep things under the carpet, holding an imaginary but strongly perceptible  “touch not” sign to the other party. Sometimes saying sorry is just the beginning of a discussion that will deepen a relationship further as talking about the matter will help those involved  in understanding each other better. The genuineness of our apology is shown when we are open for the other person to talk about how they felt hurt so we can use it as a learning curve.

The timing of our apology should also be right as an apology tendered on the brink of asking for a favour may most likely not go down well.Unfortunately some people have only used the  word sorry when it comes to bedtime business and wonder why their mates are not in the mood, being very oblivious of the fact that no one likes being manipulated!

As we round up our series on words ,let us remember we will not always get it perfect all the time  and for those times when we don’t , then we have to swallow our pride and say I am sorry. I personally do not believe it is ever too late to give an apology. There is only one person I know who does not ever need to apologize because he can never be in the wrong, thank fully it is not me, and neither is it you. Apart from God, we all need to practise saying  I am sorry in all our relationships  as the  use/misuse/non-use  of the phrase  can mar or make our relationships .

Speak Wisely,
 Gracillis

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The things I never told my Mother

Growing up for me was blissful. I had a father who would listen,  empower  and reinforce to me the fact that God fearfully and wonderfully created me. Daddy told me daily how I could be anything I wanted to be. You see, my daddy was 30 years older than my mother. He was better educated in “terms of certificates” than her and he was a greatly travelled gentleman. My mother on the flip side, was only a standard six certificate  holder, from  a more humble background but “a very intelligent woman” without the glory of “many paper certificates”.   By virtue of the gap in their background, my mother’s mantra was to beat the discipline physically, by “fire by force” into one’s body. My father would discuss with you and explain very calmly, ensuring that you understood what and why you need to make recommended changes. The two had modus operandi that were the opposite to each other.   I look back and cannot remember the one time my father hit me or ever ...
Read more

Put Your best foot forward

 A wise person once said “ First impressions last long ” and when it comes to meeting new people especially if they happen to be members of our new family or extended family by that thing called “love” ,it is important that we deliberately make sure we create good impressions. This is because according to Andrew Grant, “you never get a second chance to make a first impression”. Although not all   first impressions are necessarily true, it  is usually a herculean task to change wrong first impressions. Just this afternoon, I was chatting with a friend and she ended the conversation with “dealing with in-laws is a skill” . While almost everybody wants to be married, not everyone wants to deal with in-laws or the stereotype mother in-law. The latter seems to be the most unloved compound name word and some people have even been known to pray that they would not have one by the time they meet their spouses! Well that kind of prayer is only fair to be answered if ...
Read more

Changing my Yes

I had hardly been months in a particular relationship and was not expecting a proposal so quickly as I had my doubts. So I was a bit taken aback when on an outing one evening, just by the car,he put one knee to the ground to ask for my hand in marriage .I was not overly excited or elated and did not give an answer until several days later .Some of my friends were happy for me and said the excitement may come later  but somehow I did not feel excited even after saying yes but  It just seemed that was the next step expected and I was also hoping that now the relationship had taken a serious turn, some of the issues I had would be addressed. The very first time I met this guy (let’s call him Kenneth ),one of the things he said to me was that “ I love truth ”. But I soon discovered that it was actually the opposite. Several times, I heard him say things that were not true and even when I accosted him, there was one excuse or the other. Another issue I experienced was the fac...
Read more