Who am I?




Here are some points to bear in mind when considering your identity within marriage.

Firstly, you are a complete person on your own.  Your spouse does not ‘complete’ you – even though it may sound romantic to the ear.  In God’s mathematics class, two halves do not make one whole. One whole man + One whole Woman = One whole marriage.

Secondly, Woman, you changed your surname and not your name; so your identity still exists within your marriage. If you were a messy person before you got married, don’t expect to become a clean freak 24hrs after saying ‘I do’.  That is not to say that changes will not occur – because they will, but it’s not automatic.  You have to work at it with determination.

Having laid those ground rules, here I am right in the middle of my own identity crisis, so who am I to advise anyone when I am struggling so much with the simple question: Who am I?

I had it all planned out you know.  When I would get married, what I would do when I had to take maternity leave, how great a wife and mother I would be, etc. Then life happened and I am not always sure about the answer to those three little words – who am I?

I look the same, I am still about the same size (working on it anyway) as I was before I got married, but not hitting the mark in my career is a bigger blow than I thought.  I am at the point where I am thinking – do I really have a career? How do I get back into it, when there are other ‘urgent’ financial demands?

As a woman, when you find yourself washing plates and pots five to six times a day, or you haven’t been able to get your nails done professionally in a year (this was done every month before marriage), or you have more wigs -not for fashion, but because going to the hairdresser is now a huge luxury, ... you may look in the mirror one day and not recognise yourself.

As a man, not having enough ‘time with the boys’, could be an issue. Or having to give up your dream car for a family car, or not having as much spare cash to give to extended family or charitable courses, or even not buying a new shirt in the last six months……. could make you think ‘What happened to me?’

There are many varying factors that could influence your identity and the early years in marriage definitely challenge who you thought you were.  Even the recession, cut backs at work and climate change can throw in their own grenades.  So, who are you?

Israel Houghton sings “… in you I find my identity”, and Sinach sings “…I know who God says I am”.  When the storm rages and all seems crazy, I focus my thoughts on Isaiah 43:1-4.  I have to consciously remind myself that I am safe in God’s arms.  It also helps that I have amazing friends who see pass the bravado and encourage me when I am down.   You may be in a confused state yourself right now.  Maybe nothing seems to be going to plan, maybe everything is going to plan but it’s no longer enough, or the plan is boring, make a promise to yourself today, DON’T SETTLE FOR MEDIOCA.  Joyce Meyer says this in her book The Confident Woman, “Don’t settle for medioca!”

I am working hard to find a balance in my life.  I realised that church work, as great as is it, is not the totality of who I am.  God still has more for me to do and if I can just change my feeling-sorry-for-myself mindset, and get on with doing fruitful things, there is truly no limit to all I can achieve.  That is one of the reasons I am up early writing today.  I have a million and one things to sort out, but this is something I have put on the back bench for years.  Now I have an opportunity to write and plates need washing, clothes need ironing, baby needs feeding, my boss needs my deadline met yesterday, my choir master expects the solo to be perfect and my husband needs his wife – and everything that implies!

So, I have chosen to take a few minutes and invest in me, no matter how busy life gets, because this is me.  I’ll get the nails done. I’ll get my hair done soon. I’ll continue to be charitable but above all, I will keep my promise to myself and not settle for medioca.  I will make it through this season and so will you.  Be the best version of you.  You won’t regret it.


In His Service
Ps: Try to encourage someone around you who need a ‘lift’ today.  You will be making a huge difference in that life.




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