The Enemy next door


Having a topic to write on in theory can sometimes be challenging and so I had mentally taken myself off from contributing on the topic  for this month ”Love making” until the writer scheduled was unable to meet the deadline ,leaving me with the arduous responsibility of filling in the gap….Happy Reading…

While growing up, I was an avid and a very fast reader. In my early days in the secondary(high) school, I read all the possible books of Pacesetters series  I could lay hold on(surprisingly you can still get them now). If you are from my  generation, you may remember “Evbu my love”,  “Rich Girl, Poor boy”, “Naira Power”, "Agony in her voice", "The Cyclist" ,The Betrayer", ”The Black Temple”, "Death is a woman”, “The Equatorial Assignment" ,“The Undesirable Element,” and so many  more. I remember reading about the main female character :Bintu  in “The Undesirable Element” following the Alhaji and the next thing, she was pregnant. The Pacesetters  African novels were written in such a way  that followed the culture and as such ,they excluded details and I must say in my generation, the closest  most people and myself  had to of  sex education was “The  Reproductive System” lesson  in  Biology .Well I just remembered now that one of my elder sisters actually gave me some chapters from a Jehovah Witness hard cover big wine book called "Your health &You" which talked about the menstrual cycle .For many ladies   though,their mothers found the perfect opportunity to give a serious  “talk” when they had menarche.

 One of the benefits of attending a boarding school was that I had the opportunity of listening to different versions of the “talk” . I recall one of the girls recounting the lecture she had from her mother on the August occasion. "Do not allow any boy touch you, if any boy touches you, you will become pregnant and you will not be able to go to school anymore and your life will spoil ".She swallowed hook, line  and sinker  and it wasn’t long before a boy touched her. She cried her eyes out believing the inevitable had happened until her mother came to the rescue.Her brother was the culprit and your guess is as good as mine. All he did was touch her  in the lightest term of the word .

Those days we laughed about it but several years down the line as I ask  some of my friends, I find out that some of them  have not yet  made it to the point of actually enlightening their children about sex. Somehow the same silence and mystifying demons that affected our parents' generation is   still active in ours   but if we  shy away from it in the family, we rob our children and expose them to learning from the wrong sources indirectly, especially in this age we are in.Recently, one of my girlfriends needed to  have a word with the school teacher as the lesson on "sex education" did not only stop in the physiology. Her daughter’s teacher asked the pupils what  areas brought the most pleasure ?

 Back then, all I knew was that it was something wrong outside the confines of marriage and growing up and becoming a Christian very early in life definitely made it a No no but I can look back to a time when someone attempted to educate me. We lived in a block  of four flats and one  Uncle(in Africa, we have many non-related  uncles &the term is usually used to show respect to seniors ) who was a brother to our neighbours’ next door. He was not the only brother that stayed with them, in short there were three  grown up men that lived in our neighbour’s  household  with his family and he was the last of them to arrive. Somehow when I met him and during the times I was still greeting him as a courteous African child would do, I never liked him. Something about him was not right. He however engaged me in conversations asking what boarding school I went to and then later stated it was in the town he  originally resided .He  asked for my address which I gave out innocently, however during term time at school, I was asked to pick up my letters and one of them was from him. In short, it contained  his GCSE slip with a black and white  passport photograph and a letter in which  he advised  me not to fall in love with anybody in school claiming he was telling me out of concern as   gold is only given to those who knew the value. I  shared the letter with my friends only.

 When I  returned home for holidays ,this Uncle was still  living with our neighbour  and resorted to sending letters to me through his nephew. I mean full scalp pages(A4 ) .The beginning paragraphs  of the first letter got me shivering and I ran downstairs to finish reading it .That was when I  first came across the term “Love making”. In this Uncle’s letter to me, he wrote amidst  several things …
………..There is no need for you to be afraid of having a boyfriend. Your friend (happened to be my friend's elder sister )is a girlfriend to my brother while her sister is a girlfriend to another friend of mine. I know that you are  probably be afraid of  sex and love making, don’t worry, the first experience may be painful but after that, our experiences will be enjoyable . I know that you are having your menstrual period now ………….”
I was so shaken by the letter that my period started. Love what? being enjoyable ke…where is this Uncle from?definitely from hell. I could not show the letter to my mother, trembling I took it to my friends he was referring to , who were a set of twin girls in the next street. They read the letter on the streets(we had to walk away from our houses so no one will see us with the letter ). While reading the letter, I saw the mother of my friends approaching  us and cautioned them to hide the letter. One of them replied me saying there was no need to worry because their mother could not read and I was relieved. After my friends finished reading the letter, they denied the allegations but that did not matter to me .This Uncle was definitely referring to something my Sunday School teacher had been talking about  “...some of you here are doing what your mothers alone should be doing”

 I did not reply him but tore the letter and then  this Uncle took a bolder step by coming to visit me in my boarding school one visiting day.I was appalled and left him at the gate with the gate man, later I decided to return to preach to him but then the manner in which I treated him was awkward but definitely got across the message that  it was a NO-NO. For goodness sake, I was not even  14 years old then! In all of these events, I never told any member of my family but discussed with friends .Luckily very early in life God  blessed me with good friends with similar values.(never underestimate the influence of your children’s friends and really, the smart thing to do is to befriend them also).This is one thing I have watched my mum do over the years.

  You won't believe but this Uncle's brother eventually impregnated one of the young girls also in secondary school who lived opposite our compound. That baby was eventually aborted and we all know this is every mother’s nightmare. Thankfully, I avoided that pitfall  but would encourage us all to start having age appropriate discussions with our children as the opportunity arises . For some of them , it may be just letting them know while  you are bathing them that no one should touch certain parts of their bodies .It is better you do it yourself because the last thing you want is a strange “Uncle” (and yes, I have heard of “aunties”)teaching your child “Love making” .

I love to write,

Gracillis

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The things I never told my Mother

Growing up for me was blissful. I had a father who would listen,  empower  and reinforce to me the fact that God fearfully and wonderfully created me. Daddy told me daily how I could be anything I wanted to be. You see, my daddy was 30 years older than my mother. He was better educated in “terms of certificates” than her and he was a greatly travelled gentleman. My mother on the flip side, was only a standard six certificate  holder, from  a more humble background but “a very intelligent woman” without the glory of “many paper certificates”.   By virtue of the gap in their background, my mother’s mantra was to beat the discipline physically, by “fire by force” into one’s body. My father would discuss with you and explain very calmly, ensuring that you understood what and why you need to make recommended changes. The two had modus operandi that were the opposite to each other.   I look back and cannot remember the one time my father hit me or ever ...
Read more

Put Your best foot forward

 A wise person once said “ First impressions last long ” and when it comes to meeting new people especially if they happen to be members of our new family or extended family by that thing called “love” ,it is important that we deliberately make sure we create good impressions. This is because according to Andrew Grant, “you never get a second chance to make a first impression”. Although not all   first impressions are necessarily true, it  is usually a herculean task to change wrong first impressions. Just this afternoon, I was chatting with a friend and she ended the conversation with “dealing with in-laws is a skill” . While almost everybody wants to be married, not everyone wants to deal with in-laws or the stereotype mother in-law. The latter seems to be the most unloved compound name word and some people have even been known to pray that they would not have one by the time they meet their spouses! Well that kind of prayer is only fair to be answered if ...
Read more

Changing my Yes

I had hardly been months in a particular relationship and was not expecting a proposal so quickly as I had my doubts. So I was a bit taken aback when on an outing one evening, just by the car,he put one knee to the ground to ask for my hand in marriage .I was not overly excited or elated and did not give an answer until several days later .Some of my friends were happy for me and said the excitement may come later  but somehow I did not feel excited even after saying yes but  It just seemed that was the next step expected and I was also hoping that now the relationship had taken a serious turn, some of the issues I had would be addressed. The very first time I met this guy (let’s call him Kenneth ),one of the things he said to me was that “ I love truth ”. But I soon discovered that it was actually the opposite. Several times, I heard him say things that were not true and even when I accosted him, there was one excuse or the other. Another issue I experienced was the fac...
Read more