Yes I do, but not any longer Part 1


It may be easier to actually start something over if it involves you only but when it involves others, it can get complicated. We as  human beings never really want to admit failure especially when it has got to do with marriage and sometimes spend our last nerve fighting over something we shouldn’t. Somehow at the back of our minds as women, we think if we shower the guy with all the love in the world , surely he will stay but if  love  was what kept a marriage, then mine would have outshone eternity. I loved my husband and even the devil could testify to that.I had dreams for my home right from the time I was a child. Like almost every woman, I dreamt about the big day and the many happy loving years after that I had read in those girly novels. 

 We met back in my home country and started a relationship which did not materialize, shortly after which he left the country. I also  left for overseas and renewed contact. I had the right legal papers and before I knew it, we were headed to the altar.What a dream come true 

I became a Christian quite early in life and came into my marriage with all my virtues, believing that bringing my best and keeping myself is one thing that will make any man love and respect me. I do not know what to say but it seemed that my husband did not appreciate the fact that I was a “V” but we will leave that story for another time.
 I started experiencing abuse early in the marriage but did not recognize it. What I had initially perceived as care turned gradually to be outright control. My husband was in charge of the money and had online accounts created for me with passwords known to him alone. To even buy a pair of shoes for myself, I had to ask him for the money .We were both health professionals with the kind of income that was enviable. Although he earned far higher than I did, his money was never used to do anything in the house. When we went for household shopping, he would remain in the car and ask me to keep the receipts for the things purchased  so that he would reimburse but this never happened ,neither did he buy anything for me.

On one occasion  when I tried to discuss this with him, he insisted  that if I was single, would I not buy things for myself. He never bought any clothes for me, I mention that because when he became angry sometimes, he would bring out my clothes and start using scissors to cut them to pieces. He withheld love and rather than say “I love you,” he would tell me “you have to earn my love” and it seemed I was on a suicide mission to  do this, even to the extent of turning to a prostitute who was ready at any and every time. That was the only opportunity I ever got to hear anything loving as I performed my wifely duties. Yes, the starvation of love in my home made me a sex machine . And slowly the emotional abuse started turning verbal “you good for nothing, you cannot even pass a driving test “ Interestingly, my husband  failed his driving tests as many times as I did. And then I heard frequently “you  this animal, you do not belong here and when the time is right, you will see”.

I heard this severally and began to tell myself that it if that day comes and meets me unprepared , I would leave penniless  .I decided to go to the bank and change all the details of my account and  be in control of my accounts. That was when things took a downward spiral in my home. The verbal abuse turned physical....

I am a survivor who decided to start over again,watch this page as my story will continue in the next post ...


Hauwa.

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