Love is NOT enough!

If LOVE was what kept a marriage, then mine would have outshone eternity. I loved my husband and even the devil could testify to that.I had dreams for my home right from the time I was a child. Like almost every woman, I dreamt about the big day and the many happy loving years after that I had read in those girly novels. We met back in my home country and started a relationship which did not materialize, shortly after which he left the country. I also  left for overseas and renewed contact. I had the right legal papers and before I knew it, we were headed to the altar.

I became a Christian quite early in life and came into my marriage with all my virtues, believing that bringing my best and keeping myself is one thing that will make any man love and respect me. I do not know what to say but it seemed that my husband did not appreciate the fact that I was a “V” but we will leave that story for another time.
 I started experiencing abuse early in the marriage but did not recognize it. What I had initially perceived as care turned gradually to be outright control. My husband was in charge of the money and had online accounts created for me with passwords known to him alone. To even buy a pair of shoes for myself, I had to ask him for the money .We were both health professionals with the kind of income that was enviable. Although he earned far higher than I did, his money was never used to do anything in the house. When we went for household shopping, he would remain in the car and ask me to keep the receipts for the things purchased  so that he would reimburse but this never happened ,neither did he buy anything for me.

On one occasion  when I tried to discuss this with him, he insisted  that if I was single, would I not buy things for myself. He never bought any clothes for me, I mention that because when he became angry sometimes, he would bring out my clothes and start using scissors to cut them to pieces. He withheld love and rather than say “I love you,” he would tell me “you have to earn my love” and it seemed I was on a suicide mission to  do this, even to the extent of turning to a prostitute who was ready at any and every time. That was the only opportunity I ever got to hear anything loving as I performed my wifely duties. Yes, the starvation of love in my home made me a sex machine . And slowly the emotional abuse started turning verbal “you good for nothing, you cannot even pass a driving test “ Interestingly, my husband  failed his driving tests as many times as I did. And then I heard frequently “you  this animal, you do not belong here and when the time is right, you will see”.

I heard this severally and began to tell myself that it if that day comes and meets me unprepared , I would leave penniless  .I decided to go to the bank and change all the details of my account and  be in control of my accounts. That was when things took a downward spiral in my home. The verbal abuse turned physical.
My husband could become angry at the slightest reason  and I would get a beating. On one occasion, it was because I allowed our son run out to hug him before he had his bath on return from work that warranted a beating. All the beatings in the world never compared to the day my husband told me verbatim”I do not love you”. O it hurt me so bad but I stayed on. It was like a knife was put into my heart and left there, to cause a slow bleed to death.

My husband’s disregard for me was shown on one occasion during a quarrel and I felt the touch of raindrop on my body. Unbelievable, my husband spat on me. I was so shocked .I ran to the bathroom to clean myself but it seemed that the pain that day brought so much pleasure to him. He repeated it on some other occasions. I was getting traumatised and my value as a woman was not holding to the centre at all. How could I explain to the Church what was happening, especially as my husband was Mr Nice to every other person.

But daily the violence grew and on one occasion, my son witnessed it. Then he was just two, he was so traumatised, cried and cried and began to vomit. That was the final straw. I could not remain in the home and have my child grow up in that kind of environment, I also had an “opia” who was a witness to several happenings and encouraged me to leave. Painfully, I had to leave. This was   not the marriage I envisaged.

 I would admit there were some warning signs I did not heed to .I felt pressured as I approached my thirtieth birthday and did not want to be single. I got into marriage   which I so desired but  had to  struggle to come out, fighting  with the thought s of everyone thinking I was a failure and could not keep a home. If I left, would I ever marry again? I knew some single friends  before I got married and they were still single. Should I not remain and fight  the good fight of faith and  every curse of singleness that seemed to be looming over me. These thoughts plagued me daily.I fought with all the love I knew to show but  after that incident with my son, I told myself the gospel truth, it was time to go and up till today, I know that was the best  and bravest decision  I made in my life.

After I left, there was a period of separation where we tried counselling which he never listened to and eventually, I had to file for a divorce. The divorce process was painful and he being a manipulative person used the courts to do institutional bullying. There were several unnecessary court cases I had and fell into debts using my credit cards to pay solicitors as he was trying to have full custody of  our son. I vowed this would not happen as long as I am alive.

 I thought my love would make all the difference but no it didn’t. Not on its own. Love is not enough. It is several years now, God helped me to pick up my life again .He brought people into my life who were non-judgemental and gave me the grace to be vulnerable again. They listened and helped me through the difficult healing process.

PS:I God has indeed restored, I am getting remarried now to a man that loves me in a few weeks. The pain of abuse is not what I wish my enemies. no one should remain in an abusive environment. Get counsel.

Hope this helps,
Hauwa

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